Friday, May. 09, 2003 || 12:34 p.m.

Ouch.

I can't believe I was lied to again. I can't stop thinking about it now. I was surprised at how upset I got about it. I just thought things were different. Never trust an addict, whether they believe they are one or not.

It makes me wonder what kind of friend I am to her. Obviously not someone she does drugs with, but someone she can lie too. Maybe she thinks that if she keeps "friends" around that don't do those drugs, she can believe she isn't an addict.

I just want to yell at her, to scream, I want to shake her, and slap some sense into her. I know that won't work and it would just led to more lies and promises. It is frustrating knowing that I can't say a damn thing. Just sit back and take the lies.

I felt so uncomfortable last night and I now I know my feelings were right. Yeah, it is going to be difficult living in that environment next semester, but I guess I had some hope that maybe if she lived off campus she would be ok. I just can't believe how fucking screwed up her thought process is. She believes she can hide, she believes that she can lie to her friends, she believes that no one will find out, she believes in peer pressure, she believes that I don't know. This is going to be hard pretending that I can believe anything she says. It is her birthday tomorrow. I have to go to her party, play her good friend role, and believe that everything is alright.

I know I'm living in an apartment with her next semester. I don't know if I can pretend not to know the whole time. I'm not going to change plans, but something needs to change. It just isn't fair that I (or anyone else that knows) has to be upset about it and then smile everytime she is around. I don't know if anything else could be more selfish.

luv, steph

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