Saturday, May. 03, 2003 || 12:37 p.m.

Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, god damn it.

Ok, so I'm just waiting until Monday to know if I'm going to have a place to live in June or let alone have a place to put my stuff. The owner of the apartment we were going to get decided that she didn't want to loose another month's rent so is having another open house this weekend. If someone sees it and says they can move in now, we loose the apartment. The apartment is such a good deal and has a lot of bonuses that I'm thinking very negatively and feeling that we are going to loose it. We have 3 weeks left to look for something else. Just my luck. I find a great apartment the first time we look at one, they say we can have it, then we loose it. Ok, Ok. I need to think positively. Maybe no one went to the open house or they did and there was a bad smell in there or hated the view. When we first went and saw the place, there was an empty keg in the hall. It made me love it even more because although we are moving out of the dorms, the feeling of living in one wouldn't be that far away. This waiting feeling fucking sucks.

To make myself feel better, I'm going to go to Walgreens in the Castro and buy fun makeup. How American of me. Filling emotional voids with shopping. Although I promised myself I wouldn't spend anymore money cause I wanted to save money for apartment stuff and God damn it! It is a vicious cycle that is trying to kill me. J Crew.com was having a huge clearance sale online and I bought some things. I feel guily for (a). spending money and (b). buying clothing from a yuppie company that probably makes its clothes in sweatshops. My thoughts and actions are just self-damaging, aren't they? I also drank coffee so now my thoughts are running through my brain ten times faster then usually and making me feel like I want to explode with frustration cause I can't do a damn thing. Not a damn thing. Except pee now cause coffee goes through me like faster then a jack rabbit.

luv, steph

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