Saturday, Mar. 01, 2003 || 4:47 p.m.

I was sitting outside a cafe today and watching pigeons mate. It was like watching the Discovery Channel live! It was really nasty because the male pigeon had some sort of tumor/lump as a foot and had to climb on the female's back to mate. If you ever feel crappy about yourself, just be thankful that you aren't a female pigeon gettin' it in the poop chute by a tumor-footed pigeon. It put some prespective on my life.

As I was watching this miracle of nature, I was sitting with my friend who I believe spent last night cracked out on speed. This is the one thing I don't like about it here. Not the miscellaneous drug use, but the secrets. That is how people are divided here. People have their own friends they do certain drugs with and their other friends are left out, wondering. I know that I'm not told the truth because I don't do that drug and there is a sense of guilt that goes along with coming down. I know I have played this hiding game and I think it is a pretty selfish way to go about it. Hiding something like this is just the same as going up to me and telling me I'm an idiot. I couldn't possibily know what is going with my friends. The bottom line is people are seperated by drugs. Drugs! It is so fucked up and we really aren't that cracked out! The saddest part of all is I don't think it will ever change. It is like a game of tug o' war. Just when I think I have gained some ground with someone, I get jerked around and fall straight on my ass, straight down. Right now I just want to escape. I want to go somewhere where things aren't hidden and people don't have bitter feelings against each other. I feel so down about myself right now. So I guess my situation is that people here are seperated by drugs, hiding it from certain friends, and hurting each other indirectly so they don't have to feel guilty about what they are doing. I swear to God I'm about 2.5 seconds from rounding everyone up and forcing them to go on the Dr. Phil Show. We've got issues to work out. While I'm there, I'm going to ask him if he uses bowling ball shine on his head. I feel like I have to wear sunglasses to go near it.

Oh, I feel better. My only form of therapy: online diaries.

luv, steph

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