Sunday, Nov. 03, 2002 || 11:01 p.m.

Long weekends, long thoughts...

More like no thoughts, I guess. I stayed inside this weekend. My main reason for doing this was to finish papers, but I also just felt like it. It is the most relaxing thing one can do. Just surronding yourself in your own environment, listen to all your cds, and thinking. It also helped that I have this amazing view of the city. Everything just flickers at night, exaggerating the fact that many things are going on. All I want to do is sit and watch. It is humbling almost, knowing that I am just one part of the whole picture. The same conclusions are met everytime I daydream for periods like this: "God damn it, I have so much crap to do." I never feel like I wasted my time. Just drafted through time so it couldn't hurt me.

I hate to write about silly "crushes" (I don't even want to call it that, maybe an "experience"?), but I guess I am about too. I had this occurrence on Halloween where I helped a fellow classmate, in his severly drunken state. This happened a few times throughout the night and ended with a sincere "thank you" from the boy. This Saturday I see him on my floor, in a girl's room playing video games. Call me cocky, but I feel somesort of connection with him. Like, "why can't I get you out of my head? Stop it! Go away!" Of course, he was not gone. First person I see when I am naked under my robe to the bathrooms is him. Same feeling, same connection. Now it is just annoying. I think these feelings are a mixture of two things: (1). the connection might be explained by the embarrassment he feels about Halloween or (2). I'm so horny, I am settling for this guy. It is just odd that I had NEVER seen this guy outside of class and now he is everywhere. Damn hormones! Just let me be! Stop toying with my mind! Well, it feels good just to say something about it. Now, lets hope that is the end of it.

I need an independent, unique, musician, artist, maybe foriegn sort of man to capture my thoughts and send me to daydream throughout the day. I can't settle for average college guys that don't even know how to define "unique", let alone confront it. God, no wonder I am single.

I have succumb to listening to my sad, angry, lonesome female rock music. Heather Nova can say so much about these things. There is some sort of sexual charge/empowerment I get from it. Like a guitar should be my weapon and words my instrument. It will send all men to their knees.

"I put my hands where your wings should be...ohh yeah,

I put my feet where the earth should be...ohh yeah,

I can't see every far,

When you said that you were dead,

I, ahhh

Something I feel, oh yeah.."

luv, steph

p.s.- 8 pages written for my paper. Only 7 more pages to go!

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