2002-10-26 || 12:14 a.m.

I had an interesting day. It was full of self pity.

What ended it all was a conversation with a friend about how I can find a boyfriend. When I wasn't even complaining about that or speaking of anything relating to that. It reminds me of something else I don't have or don't even want to stress about in my life at this time. It just seems that everyone is so consumed in their life right now that they can't talk about anything else but their problems. When does it end? I'm not much better about it either. It is all I can ever think about. What is due soon, what I have to get done this weekend, what does that person think about what I just say, and on, and on. I hate this semester. Everyone is so distant. I hardly have the energy to go out or even think about going out. I don't know what I want to do more: cry or just disappear for a while. I just feel so bad about myself when I know there is truly nothing to feel bad about. The comments people say to me or how people react to what I do makes me think twice about who I am. I go out of my way and get nothing in return. It ends now. It is getting me nowhere. I know there is a problem when I can't even get excited about Halloween or even my friends can't get excited about it. What is going on? Why has everything just suddenly changed? I need to make a change in my routine. I think I am going to start volunteering somewhere. To get my mind off my problems and focusing on helping others. I know, how self righteous of me, but I either can bitch about my pity problems or do something. It is a thought, anyway.

What would it be like to run away? Leave everything behind and live day by day, not knowing where you would end up? Where would I end up? Probably lying dead in a ditch somewhere because life handles me like a useless being. I wonder what it would be like to just to die, suddenly. How long it would take before people forget about you. If you where murdered, what would your deceased body go through before it was put to rest? If it would even matter if you where dead? I need to stop now before my mind wonders any deeper.

Sometimes I amaze myself how I can go from being this depressing to acting happy towards someone. I just look at them and think "you have no idea how I feel and I don't want you to know." It's isolating and it is holding me back.

God, I just want this feeling to go away. I want to wake up in the morning and I want everything to be OK. I want to feel good.

I remember when I was little and I was walking down the sidewalk in front of my house by myself. I was lost in thought when I suddenly felt like my brain stopped thinking. Just for a second, I swear it had stopped. I was so scared that this had really happened that I had to always know that I was thinking. Now, I would love to have that feeling again. Just shut everything off.

I am stopping it here. I could go on forever.

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